Understanding Your Attachment Style
A simple guide to understanding how we connect in relationships
Attachment describes some of the patterns we develop around closeness, trust, independence and emotional safety in relationships.
These patterns can be influenced by our early relationships and later life experiences. They are not a diagnosis or a fixed personality type. You might recognise yourself in more than one style, and your patterns may be different in different relationships.
The aim isn't to put yourself in a box. It's to become curious about your patterns and understand what you might need when relationships feel difficult.
🟢 Secure Attachment
The general feeling:
"I can be close to others and still be myself."
You might:
Feel comfortable giving and receiving affection
Trust others while maintaining healthy boundaries
Communicate your feelings and needs
Ask for support when you need it
Manage disagreements without immediately fearing the relationship is over
Enjoy closeness while also being comfortable with independence
When relationships feel difficult:
You can usually stay connected, communicate and work towards repairing the relationship.
🟡 Anxious Attachment
The general feeling:
"I really want closeness, but I'm worried you might leave."
You might:
Worry about whether someone still cares about you
Notice small changes in another person's mood, messages or behaviour
Need frequent reassurance
Feel distressed when someone seems distant
Overthink interactions or relationships
Find uncertainty particularly difficult
Fear rejection or abandonment
When relationships feel difficult:
You may move towards the other person—seeking reassurance, contact or signs that the relationship is okay.
What can help:
Learning to soothe yourself, communicate your needs clearly and tolerate some uncertainty without immediately assuming something is wrong.
🔵 Avoidant Attachment
The general feeling:
"Depending on other people doesn't always feel safe or comfortable."
You might:
Strongly value independence
Find it difficult to ask for help
Feel uncomfortable with emotional vulnerability
Keep some feelings to yourself
Pull away when someone wants more emotional closeness
Feel overwhelmed when another person needs a lot from you
Prefer dealing with problems on your own
When relationships feel difficult:
You may move away from the other person—becoming quiet, shutting down, distracting yourself or creating distance.
What can help:
Practising sharing emotions and needs gradually, allowing safe people to support you and noticing when independence becomes emotional disconnection.
🟣 Fearful-Avoidant / Disorganised Attachment
The general feeling:
"I want to be close to you, but closeness can also feel frightening."
You might:
Strongly want connection but struggle to trust it
Move between seeking closeness and pushing someone away
Fear both abandonment and vulnerability
Find relationships emotionally intense or confusing
Have difficulty trusting that others will be there for you
Feel overwhelmed by strong emotions during relationship difficulties
When relationships feel difficult:
You might move towards and away from the other person—wanting reassurance or closeness and then feeling the urge to withdraw.
What can help:
Developing emotional regulation skills, building trust gradually and learning what safe, consistent relationships feel like.
A Helpful Way to Think About Attachment:
When you feel disconnected from someone important, notice your first instinct:
Do I move TOWARDS them?
"Please reassure me that we're okay."
→ You may recognise anxious patterns.
Do I move AWAY from them?
"I don't want to deal with this. I need space."
→ You may recognise avoidant patterns.
Do I move TOWARDS and then AWAY?
"Please don't leave me... but being close doesn't feel safe either."
→ You may recognise fearful-avoidant patterns.
Can I stay connected while managing my emotions?
"This is uncomfortable, but we can talk about it."
→ You may be using secure attachment strategies.
Attachment Is a Pattern, Not a Label. You may:
recognise parts of several attachment styles
feel secure in some relationships and insecure in others
respond differently when you're stressed
develop more secure ways of relating over time
Attachment patterns are learned and adaptable.
The goal isn't to become a "perfectly secure person." The goal is to notice your patterns and develop healthier ways of responding when your attachment system is activated.